selfish pride.

block 3 is boring and dry. thats a fact no one can change. But it doesn mean i put in less effort or time into PBLs.i like medical school. i love medicine. i like talking to patients. and i adore physiology. but being involved in one of the most demanding and freaking expensive undergraduate professions in the world doesnt mean i am not entitled to a normal life-with ups and downs. with sadness and happiness. going through what any other young adult would. i am going to make it through first year, through second, through third. through all the 5 years. and im gonna ace it just you wait. dun say im not doing my best. dun even think about it. I am doing my best to live my life given to me as a gift, and not disappoint those who had made it possible. i hate it when im being made to feel im irresponsible, unappreciative and unloving. because you do not know how often i remember you all. even the strongest david fell, struggled but rose again. where is the faith you all used to have in me?

if this blog cant be an avenue for me to speak whats true in my heart, to be a real human being with real life struggles and hang ups, And not only to portray the strong and victorious times, then its better off going into silent mode.

worlds apart

Its early on friday morning, 2am. I cant get to sleep.I know i should sleep because its a long long day tomorrow, and a longer weekend. But i cant. i feel that i should give some things their rightful thoughts. and so i sat down at my desk, asking the usual "whys", trying to search for some sort of insight. obviously, ive been worrying and dreaming at the same time.so i didnt get much sorted out.

played "worlds apart" on wmp. and i started thinking about choreography. a few lines to fine tune, and 3 verses to create.a long long way, but thank God for blessing us. I choreogrpahed half the song in one evening and night, my fastest and most original?(maybe not, mordern is not my forte. yet.)God is good. looking back on how we chose this song.. i cant deny that God really answered our prayers instantaneously. it only took me this long to realise that though. what better song can it be, than one which speaks so dearly to the choreographers life.

worlds apart-Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this
somehow it all ends up the same
soaring on the wings of selfish pride
i flew too high and like Icharus I collide

with a world i try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all but love, to give and die

turn away and not become
another nail that pierces the skin of the one i love
more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears
of the world embracing every heartache

can i be the one to sacrifice
to grip that spear and watch the blood and water flow

(to love you) take my world apart
(to need you) i am on my knees
(to love you) take my world apart
(to need you) broken on my knees

all said and done i stand alone
among remains of a life i should not own
it takes all i am to believe
in the emrcy that covers me

did u really have to die for me
all i am for all you are
cause what i need and what i believe are worlds apart

studying for a Mock tomorrow. it doesn count for anything though. sigh. what a chore.
but at least it helped me realise how much i like block 1! i love physiology.. block 1 remains as my favourite block. and block 3... the worst block ever, and still on going. maybe its also causelife is bleak now.

2 krispy kremes from alfred. but they dont taste as sweet and fresh as they used to.
everything has dulled from colour to black and white. no, grey. i wish it were either colour.

weiyao is right. i am numbed.

So Jean is Back

My life is full of surprises.
sometimes, I wish it would be less. each time i get "surprised", i feel my blood pressure rise a little, my heart beating faster, my bowels rising to my mouth, and my mind just trying to keep u with it all. grr.

first, it was church in the morning. vineyard's worship was Excellent.also, the sermon just spoke through my deeper thoughts, provoked me. was challenged. lunch.. defended someone out of my own accord. and stupidly got poked with a knife by michelle. lokking back,i really cant figure out why i responded the way i did. it was like a reflex. is it worth it, really?sometimes, i feel so stupid thinking the way i do. or is this just me and my pride?

chinese church was alright.
had a good time praying with the dance min girls and guy. haha.
good chat with alithea, once again i felt encouraged to make time for people whom i think God wants me to care for.
heard a weird or sacrastic? comment from someone, which surprisngly didnt piss me off, but just caused me to wonder what the truth really is.

came home, i have to face one of my fears and challenges of the week? month? months?
suddenly, knock knock. in came My china boy. He said he's bored and just wanted to say hi cause he hasnt seen me in ages. i havent spoken to him in 2/3 months. and ts just funny when he comes knowing on the door. sigh.

i dont like surprises. not these kinds...
im having pre-monday blues. i dislike 9-11 monday PBLs.i just want to sleep away...

Jean's coming back tomorrow

at the brink of adulthood. responsibilities.
I believe we are born with a free will, we have the freedom to make choices about most things in our lives. But with this freedom, also comes responsibilties. You are responsible for the consequences of your choices, whatever they might be. undesirable or pleasant. and being a young adult, it means you cant rely on anyone else to handle these consequnces. You're your own man, whatever it is, just settle it.

maybe then, some thngs would not appear as awful as they seem. because you are reminded that you made that choice, you chose that destiny. its not as if life has been bad to you.

on the other hand, you can still choose to be upset if u want. you can only be as hurt as you allow yourself to be.

only with hope and expectations can disappointment make a friend.

so with no hope, no expectations, and remembering responsibility, i live each day.
and i refuse to think this is pathetic.

the first week of school is almost over! i have a free day tomorrow, no school! i would like to finish PBL3.2 by today so i'll have a long weekend..

loads of things happening in the background recently, that caused me to be quite distressed. sigh. it was difficult, but today im feeling so much better, guess thats why I'm blogging=)ive got my dear ambika next to me in project room 5, talking to her beau.. about religion, kids, marriage?!? haha... they've been together for 3 years, its so amazing. 3 years and they are talking about all this stuff.. it causes me to wonder what will i do in 3 years.. haha. im happy for them and i hope they get their hearts desires!

some random thing ambika said abt me last night..

ambika: oh you know land before time, the movie?
sarah: yeah.. whats so surprising abt that?
ambika to ommena: how my god! how does she know we were talking abt land before time?
ommena: cause you just said the song title?? duh??
ambika: omg! we were just talking about sarah looking like a dinosaur!
sarah: what?????!!!!!
ambika: oh there's a dinosaur in there right? i hope she looks like you
sarah: (in disbelief)
ambika: is she green? or purple? i hope she is either cause it suits you...

.....

and the many more funny things she said that i cant remember!
im thankful for this friend i can laugh with, hang out with, have intellectual discussions, study together and cry with.. im fortunate=)

i said something that apparently is very "wow" to ambs:

"we have the past to look back upon and remember why we first loved someone, and to remember all the significant moments we shared. We have the future to dream of together, to hope and to work towards with passion... but what we cannot do is underestimate and neglect the opportunities, time and reality of the present. it is where we live. it is the moment. it is what the future can be built on. live today."

I'll pray and keep praying.
i would really like to be that bag of real pearls.

Im back in glasgow, its the first day of school, 1st day of the 2nd term.
recap of the events of the past few days...
day 1, 5th jan:
arrived at glasgow airport 3 hours late due to some breakdown of luggage transit system at dubai airport. how irritating that was, but at least our luggage wasnt missing. i heard from shaun that some 200 bags were missing. thank God for giving us our bags! went home, lazed a little, unpacked half my stuff, showered, went over to weiyao's new place to help him fix his ikea bed. had dinner at ichiban with yinru, mich, kenneth and weiyao. went back with the girls to his place to continue fixing the double bed. it was so tough! the girls stayed over. i went home at 1am=)

day 2, 6th jan friday:
woke up late late like at 12.
lazed around, finished unpacking finally. slacked around the whole day. it was a good time of rest.

saturday:
went to the bank in the morning, got picked up by gordon, went to tescos to buy my weeks of groceries. then we went to jeans place to "steal" her heater, took loads of "i miss jean"! photos, chatted loads. headed back to cairncross to drop groceries and pick up soem clothes to dry clean. headed to town to dry clean stuff, unfortunately those stuff can be machine washed. how embarassed i was. grr. we went to look at phones!! haha nokia N70 seems really hard to get free on a good tariff. sigh, maybe i'll get an ericsson K750i, or a samsung at most? sigh.. i really would like a nokia... but then again, i do not need a 3G phone. plus a brand new, fashionable model would only put me at a higehr risk of being mugged. ahah. its glasgow.

sunday:
had lunch with yr 1 mates sean, niece and jonathan.
haha seans hair is so long now!!! man! he looks a bit like taupin. haha.
whats with malaysian boys and long hair??
went to church, caught up with so many people.it was really really good being back at church. i had a good time at worship and the sermon. presence of God felt so strong, and i was really moved inside. afterward, i spoke to nora the worship leader, and she had the same feelings too. wow! thank God. was given clarity on some matters, and a new vision for 2006!
went out for early dinner with gordon, again. haha.
chatted and shared a lot of stuff.
sent me home, and we prayed before i went back.
sigh, we miss u jean, and hope you are well.

on the whole, its nice being back in glasgow.
though the weather is bad. its sooooooo cold. sub zero every evening. gets on my nerves.
but its a brand new start. new things to look forward too. especially more time and focus in my spiritual walk. thats exciting... yeah been thinking about a lot of other things in my life recently, since i have had the convenience of privacy in the past few days. right now, im just waiting and praying. waiting for answers i hope to have soon. but ive realised that nothing beats the satisfaction and comfort from intimacy with God. only in HIs presence, will i experience perfect love. unconditional. and perfect love drives out all fear.

this is my update for now!
got other stuff to do for now. crappy block 3 public health PBLs, settling CNY dinner with sing soc vice pres, household chores haha!, and my present love- dance ministry!

hope everyone at home is doing fine. i had an enjoyable holiday guys,thanks. it was nice being home in the comfort and security of family love. and yes, joel , as u requested for nice things to be said: haha u people mean a lot to me and i love u! cant wait for u and bro to come over in easter. book ur tickets now!