grey

"In the absence of hope,I need to lie in bed and feel that I might die today."

My day started off at 8.00 am. (by the way my phone goes off everyday at 8am due to a reminder that says "walk with God", sometimes, it really cuts into my precious sleep)
I shut the alarm and went back to sleep till 8.50am, when i woke up from a dream.
I was thirsty and needed the toilet, so i got up did what i needed to, set the alarm for 915am (cause i had to view a flat!), and went back to bed.
Got up at 915am, lazed till 924am, then finally decided i need to really get going.

got dressed for a day i thought was gonna be crazy.

left house at 10.25am, and walked to byres road.
1045am- i was outside clydesdale bank, alone. my future flatmates were late. again.
11am. Mr kohli (this landlord who owns 100 over flats in glasgow) brought us to his flat. cantoment, with refurbished interior.
asking for 900pcm for 3 people.
jeans hates the place. it has only 1 toilet, as he says all cantoment flats have.
the carpet was dirty. the stairway is dodgy.. all in all, we didnt like it.

we walked for 1.5 hours in the cold.
several miles.. trying to look for flats to let, taking down numbers, and dreaming of getting a nice flat.
it is a major decision.. moving in with people.
getting a comfortable place.
i realise the great need to pray and commit to God in this.

we went to club 500 for lunch.
jean and i managed to drag tony to church!! at 1.40pm. 10 min late.

it was a long service. with cool worship (singing songs we dun normally sing), and a powerful sermon by ashley. i thought to myself "God, you really have a sense of humour yeah? and yes you do answer my prayers."amen.

after service. i was half concussed.
went for dance. tried positioning in the main halls. spoke about costumes and all.

went home at 5.30pm.
lazed around with ambika. stoned.and cried. and talked.

ate left over duck for dinner.
showered. and im supposed to watch "House" in a few min.

Its the start of a new block tomorrow, and the final term for year one. its gonna be a lot of academic effort the next 2 months, all the way up to my finals. im a little nervous, but im quite excited to be doing PBLs again.

Im not excited about the coming week though because theres dance, which is wishy washy. im supposed to get a surprise from someone abt some new dance venue, but ah dons not telling yet. still, im not excited. ive got choreography to think about, costumes to settle, music to cut. lyrics to translate. dancers to speak to.ive got so many ambitions and dreams and things that weigh my heart down. but i dunno how i can share it with them.

Im really tired. My brain feels fried and overheated.
the past 1 year has been too eventful.
there are just too many things that hurt my heart, and I dunno when i will ever feel its not hurting again. its just so many issues between me and my Lord, issues which only He knows. i wish it were simple black and white, bread and butter stuff, itd be easier. why is life so difficult sometimes?

i can answer that. because Jesus never promised that the christian life is smooth sailing and we'd get what we want all the time.But He promises He'd be there.

i think i should not question "why". sometimes, there are no direct answers to life's struggles. The Lord is just too mysterious, too powerful, His ways are above ours. He gives and He takes away, yet Job said "Blessed be the name of the Lord."
what faith, what love, what strength of character. my lips have said so, but why is my heart struggling? my mind feels as if it needs to haggle with God. it has no peace. am i wrong?