thank you for "prince"- grandma looks really really cute with my frog prince:)
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Let our words be few
something happened today, that woke me up from my december spell.
i was traumatized by the possible grave consequences of my impulsive and ungodly decision, ashamed by my vanity and obsession, alarmed at how disillusioned i was by our love, terrified, stressed, desperate. i suffered humiliation-prob the price i had to pay for my mistake-which i rather would over a head that can never face my Father again, or myself. it took me this much to learn that biblical principle.
so tough, so awful so shameful. haiz. but mercy flows from His throne, and your grace still amazes me. now that its over and come to past, i am left but the bittersweet aftermath-thank you for saving me and giving me the 2nd chance.
I'm leaving singapore in 1 weeks time, for a long 6 month. twice the amount of time im gonna be away from home. i tried thinking about leavin home from my parents point of view-and suddenly, finally, i felt sad. it hurts me to think about my mummy crying, and my dad feeling so sad-im a daddy's girl and i love him terribly.
it hurts me again when i have never told them about my future plans and desires (perhpas)?i feel so selfish.
is it right of me to think of building my future elsewhere, when they had sent me overseas to give me an education i always wanted, with the expectation and hope i would return for good after 5 years. am i selfish?
No. don't answer me. i dun want an assurance from anyone else but God and myself. I guess i cant get the assurance from anywhere else. Maybe i already know the answer to my question... its deep down in my heart, if only i had the courage to face it.
i know we all have to leave our parents some day. i know some of us believe that parents owe their children an tertiary education. some do not. its quite true-they didnt have to pay a freaking half a mil.its not their obligation. but mine did.
my heart is heavy....
i never thought id leave them, this soon.
the start of my undergraduate studies overseas, marked the beginning of my new life as an adult.
a little fearful of the new year as i think about what might happen.
things beyond my control, beyond my prediction and imagination. must i always take risks? are risks part of every important decision in life? maybe-i dare not think any harder. guess, its my choice.
Your Grace Still Amazes me
My faithful father, enduring friend
your tender mercy's like a river with no end
it overwhelms me, covers my sin
each time i come into your presence
i stand in wonder once again
its deeper its wider its stronger its higher
than anything my eyes can see.
sarah needs to be true-er to herself and in what she believes in.
Let them praise His name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp.
Psalm 149:3
Your grace still amazes meYour love is still am mystery
each day i fall on my knees
cause your grace still amazes me
your grace still amazes me...
oh patient saviour you make me whole
you are the suthor and the healer of my soul
what can i give you
Lord what can i say?
I know there's no way to repay you
only to offer you my praise
i was traumatized by the possible grave consequences of my impulsive and ungodly decision, ashamed by my vanity and obsession, alarmed at how disillusioned i was by our love, terrified, stressed, desperate. i suffered humiliation-prob the price i had to pay for my mistake-which i rather would over a head that can never face my Father again, or myself. it took me this much to learn that biblical principle.
so tough, so awful so shameful. haiz. but mercy flows from His throne, and your grace still amazes me. now that its over and come to past, i am left but the bittersweet aftermath-thank you for saving me and giving me the 2nd chance.
I'm leaving singapore in 1 weeks time, for a long 6 month. twice the amount of time im gonna be away from home. i tried thinking about leavin home from my parents point of view-and suddenly, finally, i felt sad. it hurts me to think about my mummy crying, and my dad feeling so sad-im a daddy's girl and i love him terribly.
it hurts me again when i have never told them about my future plans and desires (perhpas)?i feel so selfish.
is it right of me to think of building my future elsewhere, when they had sent me overseas to give me an education i always wanted, with the expectation and hope i would return for good after 5 years. am i selfish?
No. don't answer me. i dun want an assurance from anyone else but God and myself. I guess i cant get the assurance from anywhere else. Maybe i already know the answer to my question... its deep down in my heart, if only i had the courage to face it.
i know we all have to leave our parents some day. i know some of us believe that parents owe their children an tertiary education. some do not. its quite true-they didnt have to pay a freaking half a mil.its not their obligation. but mine did.
my heart is heavy....
i never thought id leave them, this soon.
the start of my undergraduate studies overseas, marked the beginning of my new life as an adult.
a little fearful of the new year as i think about what might happen.
things beyond my control, beyond my prediction and imagination. must i always take risks? are risks part of every important decision in life? maybe-i dare not think any harder. guess, its my choice.
Your Grace Still Amazes me
My faithful father, enduring friend
your tender mercy's like a river with no end
it overwhelms me, covers my sin
each time i come into your presence
i stand in wonder once again
its deeper its wider its stronger its higher
than anything my eyes can see.
sarah needs to be true-er to herself and in what she believes in.
Let them praise His name with dancing and make music to him with tambourine and harp.
Psalm 149:3
Your grace still amazes meYour love is still am mystery
each day i fall on my knees
cause your grace still amazes me
your grace still amazes me...
oh patient saviour you make me whole
you are the suthor and the healer of my soul
what can i give you
Lord what can i say?
I know there's no way to repay you
only to offer you my praise
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Tis the season to be Jolly
after several naggings from guoliang.. here's my christmas wishlist!:
1)$200 worth of Levi's voucher
2)white toscano handbag
3)white and gold le coq sport sneakers
4)URS & inc. brown ballet pumps
5)Ted Baker london pink wallet (which can only be found in UK haha)
6)loads of Guess tops and sweaters!
7)wouldnt mind accessories!
8)white belt
what an expensive wishlist:( but its a WISHlist anyway.. haha and who said wishes must come true?
down with right eye conjuctivitis. quite mild. but the anti histamine im on is making me drowsy... went for Hep A booster yesterday as well. daddy wants me to be vaccinated against meningitis and i bet he'll make me go for flu jab before i leave. grr. i wannna give someone a jab!
i wish and pray and hope that id get to go on a medical missions next yr with my church friends.. i really want to! china china china!!! though i also wouldn mind somewhere else.. i just wanna go while i still have the time and opportunities.
talking about next year..
i should sit down to make new year resolutions. theres so much in store for me, i just need to focus and grab hold of the opportunities when they come. once gone, theyd never return. it's an exciting year ahead! the dance ministry in GCCC, more dance classes for me?, erm school?(haha im looking forward actually.. school is quite fun when u love it and i love med sch!), more socialising, hopefully moving onto deeper levels with people i cherish, and not forgetting my UK and italy trip in easter, and missions in june! so exciting... but i shoudl seriusly pray about stuff and not take things into my own hands. May God be the centre of these hopes and ambitions, be the cenre of my Life.
1)$200 worth of Levi's voucher
2)white toscano handbag
3)white and gold le coq sport sneakers
4)URS & inc. brown ballet pumps
5)Ted Baker london pink wallet (which can only be found in UK haha)
6)loads of Guess tops and sweaters!
7)wouldnt mind accessories!
8)white belt
what an expensive wishlist:( but its a WISHlist anyway.. haha and who said wishes must come true?
down with right eye conjuctivitis. quite mild. but the anti histamine im on is making me drowsy... went for Hep A booster yesterday as well. daddy wants me to be vaccinated against meningitis and i bet he'll make me go for flu jab before i leave. grr. i wannna give someone a jab!
i wish and pray and hope that id get to go on a medical missions next yr with my church friends.. i really want to! china china china!!! though i also wouldn mind somewhere else.. i just wanna go while i still have the time and opportunities.
talking about next year..
i should sit down to make new year resolutions. theres so much in store for me, i just need to focus and grab hold of the opportunities when they come. once gone, theyd never return. it's an exciting year ahead! the dance ministry in GCCC, more dance classes for me?, erm school?(haha im looking forward actually.. school is quite fun when u love it and i love med sch!), more socialising, hopefully moving onto deeper levels with people i cherish, and not forgetting my UK and italy trip in easter, and missions in june! so exciting... but i shoudl seriusly pray about stuff and not take things into my own hands. May God be the centre of these hopes and ambitions, be the cenre of my Life.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
i had an enjoyable weekend at meritus mandarin. daddy got complimentary stay at regency suite, so the whole jean gang went down to lead a decadent Life as celisa claims, for 3 days and 2 nights. It was good because i shopped quite a lot! and i got to meet up with friends whom i missed, and won't be seeing for sometime..
im on a perpetual sleep log clearance though.
feeling so tired-physically. never loved sleep this much.
currently,
im just letting the days go by-slacking, meeting up with people. spending time with my family. for once, i dun feel as if i have to chase after something. and it feels so weird! i remember aunty lanfong told me once that i seem to be running after something all my life. chasing things. quite true.. im such a runner, such that if i dun run after what i want, i will feel so listless. Like how i'm feeling right now.
grrr. i admit i can be quite impatient with dealing with certain things in my life. waiting on God seems tough. But i must say its getitng better now. definitely can do better.. i really need to pray.
as christmas and the new year approaches, i would like to find some time for myself to reflect upon 2005. i officially name it the most eventful and difficult year of my life. so much has happened in a relatively short period of time (if u measure 1 yr against eternity that is), and i believe there are so many lessons to be learnt. I definitely do not want to make the same mistakes and unwise decisions again. all the more, i want to remember what God has given, taught and taken away from me, i want to rememeber all this before 1st jan 2006. not because im a sadist, because theres this desire for me to lean on someone greater for directions. the bigger picture belongs to Him. nothing i plan will ever come true if He doesn allow it.
i want to remember all that has been laid down for me, how i was saved from the raging seas, how i was given a second chance at so many.
aye, the prob is, why am i back to square one-a state of uncertainty and doubt and fear? i dislike it. why am i quite ingrateful?i must wake myself up from my dreams.
-this is a terribly random post which u wouldn understand, so dont bother thinking hard-
im on a perpetual sleep log clearance though.
feeling so tired-physically. never loved sleep this much.
currently,
im just letting the days go by-slacking, meeting up with people. spending time with my family. for once, i dun feel as if i have to chase after something. and it feels so weird! i remember aunty lanfong told me once that i seem to be running after something all my life. chasing things. quite true.. im such a runner, such that if i dun run after what i want, i will feel so listless. Like how i'm feeling right now.
grrr. i admit i can be quite impatient with dealing with certain things in my life. waiting on God seems tough. But i must say its getitng better now. definitely can do better.. i really need to pray.
as christmas and the new year approaches, i would like to find some time for myself to reflect upon 2005. i officially name it the most eventful and difficult year of my life. so much has happened in a relatively short period of time (if u measure 1 yr against eternity that is), and i believe there are so many lessons to be learnt. I definitely do not want to make the same mistakes and unwise decisions again. all the more, i want to remember what God has given, taught and taken away from me, i want to rememeber all this before 1st jan 2006. not because im a sadist, because theres this desire for me to lean on someone greater for directions. the bigger picture belongs to Him. nothing i plan will ever come true if He doesn allow it.
i want to remember all that has been laid down for me, how i was saved from the raging seas, how i was given a second chance at so many.
aye, the prob is, why am i back to square one-a state of uncertainty and doubt and fear? i dislike it. why am i quite ingrateful?i must wake myself up from my dreams.
-this is a terribly random post which u wouldn understand, so dont bother thinking hard-
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Home sweet Home
Im back in singapore!
since sunday 2pm.
after 17 hours in the air and in transit at dubai, i finally arrived at changi international airport feeling so so excited...
i had the happiest flight of my life thanks to the sweet surprises, jeans company and the very fact i was going to be home for the first time.
and after 4 days, Im still jet lagged. And i still feel so surreal. really.. i wake up every morning being stoned for 2 min. i gotta ask myself if im in cairncross or singapore. haha.. its quite difficult to have to resolve the two worlds. and the 2 diff lifestyles.
Im happy to be home, to see my family and friends. guess its a good break from some things in glasgow too. But it hasnt been all smooth coming home either. the usual family issues surface, and oops! im reminded that im back in reality, i have my responsibilites and commitments as a daughter , sister and friend to many. aye.
lotsa issues which this blog doesn give me the freedom to write about. maybe i will one day when ive got my plans sorted out and life is more stable.
But still, life has been good. God is so kind as always. people at home are doing well. so theres nth i should be grumpy about. heh.
cant wait for the weekends at mandarin, so excited, a little anxious and stressed.. but i really hope all goes well!!
since the truth is out, i can finally share some london pics online haha! enjoy it!
since sunday 2pm.
after 17 hours in the air and in transit at dubai, i finally arrived at changi international airport feeling so so excited...
i had the happiest flight of my life thanks to the sweet surprises, jeans company and the very fact i was going to be home for the first time.
and after 4 days, Im still jet lagged. And i still feel so surreal. really.. i wake up every morning being stoned for 2 min. i gotta ask myself if im in cairncross or singapore. haha.. its quite difficult to have to resolve the two worlds. and the 2 diff lifestyles.
Im happy to be home, to see my family and friends. guess its a good break from some things in glasgow too. But it hasnt been all smooth coming home either. the usual family issues surface, and oops! im reminded that im back in reality, i have my responsibilites and commitments as a daughter , sister and friend to many. aye.
lotsa issues which this blog doesn give me the freedom to write about. maybe i will one day when ive got my plans sorted out and life is more stable.
But still, life has been good. God is so kind as always. people at home are doing well. so theres nth i should be grumpy about. heh.
cant wait for the weekends at mandarin, so excited, a little anxious and stressed.. but i really hope all goes well!!
since the truth is out, i can finally share some london pics online haha! enjoy it!
my last night was spent with the 409-ers in the UK (excluding weiwei who is in edinbrugh). from left: wingyee (UCL yr 1 medic, sarah, xiu UCL yr 1 law, florrine LSE yr 1 econs). we had so much fun over dinner just girl talking and catching up with one another. i really miss those RGS days, they were the best. i love those girls too!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
tuesday evening, 9pm. 5th floor, SL. the upper most corner of the medical school building. Ive finally finished my coursework. PBL 2.9 awaits. planning for the dec holidays awaits. home awaits me. life and an abundant future awaits us. But i feel the weight on my heart and shoulders so great. Tonight, is the coldest and stillest night ive spent in Glasgow. The road along University avenue seems awfully empty, and the lights that shine come only from Byres Road.the darkness echoes on and on.
The weight, the unbearable weight of not being.. able. able.
the night seems so long, and when the dawn breaks, fear awaits. fear of an unknown future, not only mine, but those whom i hold dear.
face to face with purity-a white rose.its petals were being pulled out. the lift door closed between. and that was the last scene.
i was the "non-culprit",guilt and forlorn.
the paradox.
The weight, the unbearable weight of not being.. able. able.
the night seems so long, and when the dawn breaks, fear awaits. fear of an unknown future, not only mine, but those whom i hold dear.
face to face with purity-a white rose.its petals were being pulled out. the lift door closed between. and that was the last scene.
i was the "non-culprit",guilt and forlorn.
the paradox.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
sweet home alabama
time flies. i'll be going home in 8 days time! i cant believe it, its so fast, so near... ive got some confessions to make.
1)im really afraid of being home
2)im growing fat!
3)i went to ****** -tell u when im home
4)tell u when im home, even more. *winks*
been thinking a bit about life back in singapore.
Im apprehensive about seeing everyone again, don't get me wrong. I miss my family and my friends.. just that, perhaps we have not been communicating that frequently, and as best as we could have. It's gonna be so weird interacting with them again.. oh no...
ive been through so many changes in Glasgow, so different from the lifestyle in Singapore,and its quite impossible to resolve the 2. being brutally honest, im a different person now.its kinda like i can never be the same as i was, and i hope i would not have to face the expectation of being the same.neither do i want to have changed for the worse.
daddy has been telling me how excited everyone is, how they are looking forward to saturday. all the plans they have for the rest of december.. and im actually stressed out by it! because they are so excited and so enthusaiastic but i dont think im as excited as them. I'm afraid i will be impatient with them, im afraid ill just be a horrible big brat. and people will think im a snob. But im not... i dun have those intentions.
its just been so long.. and so much has happened. I, being so silly, dunno how to interact with them. aye. this is one of my weakness. unrefined communication skills with people i love dearly. really.
im thinking about church, home... how i may react to certain people and situations.. im praying, and will pray harder, that i will be able to approach people with genuity and sincerity, not just say "hi, how are u?how have u been..." for the sake of saying it. But really meaning it from the bottom of my heart. really wanting to love and actually loving my friends. i want to give, as much as i have received something good from the Lord.
okay. end of my confessions part 1. going shopping this weekend for people back home. orders anyone?
1)im really afraid of being home
2)im growing fat!
3)i went to ****** -tell u when im home
4)tell u when im home, even more. *winks*
been thinking a bit about life back in singapore.
Im apprehensive about seeing everyone again, don't get me wrong. I miss my family and my friends.. just that, perhaps we have not been communicating that frequently, and as best as we could have. It's gonna be so weird interacting with them again.. oh no...
ive been through so many changes in Glasgow, so different from the lifestyle in Singapore,and its quite impossible to resolve the 2. being brutally honest, im a different person now.its kinda like i can never be the same as i was, and i hope i would not have to face the expectation of being the same.neither do i want to have changed for the worse.
daddy has been telling me how excited everyone is, how they are looking forward to saturday. all the plans they have for the rest of december.. and im actually stressed out by it! because they are so excited and so enthusaiastic but i dont think im as excited as them. I'm afraid i will be impatient with them, im afraid ill just be a horrible big brat. and people will think im a snob. But im not... i dun have those intentions.
its just been so long.. and so much has happened. I, being so silly, dunno how to interact with them. aye. this is one of my weakness. unrefined communication skills with people i love dearly. really.
im thinking about church, home... how i may react to certain people and situations.. im praying, and will pray harder, that i will be able to approach people with genuity and sincerity, not just say "hi, how are u?how have u been..." for the sake of saying it. But really meaning it from the bottom of my heart. really wanting to love and actually loving my friends. i want to give, as much as i have received something good from the Lord.
okay. end of my confessions part 1. going shopping this weekend for people back home. orders anyone?
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Monday, November 28, 2005
and soon we will see sunshine after the rain
the past 72 hours have been the most eventful, stressful and painful times in my 2 month period in Glasgow. i was brought on an emotional, mental and spiritual ride that changed my life.
if you knew the full account of the story, you would agree its complexed and messy, you would also see the depth of the struggle all of us had to go through, but for now, bear with me and keep your judgements to yourself, as i try to paint you the brighter side of the story, because i want people to know, God is amazing.
Glasgow Chinese Christian Church invited Graham and Su and another Godly couple to conduct a series of workshops for us this weekend. i think they are from australia, yes they are. and they've been travelling lots to singapore, malaysia and the UK to serve the Lord. kinda missionaries i think. Graham has the gift of prophecy, and he prophecised to a couple of people at our retreat last year. having heard so much about him, i decided to make an appointment to see them too-yesterday evening. i realise, i was searching and seekin for something deeper, thats why i made this decision. i mean, prophecy can be quite daunting, no one would wanna get themselves in it "just for fun"?
yup, so many more events had took place before sunday afternoon, but my session with graham and friends was what marked the turning pount in my life, so id like to share it with you. i was so drained mentally and emotionally after friday and saturday, and the little things that happened throughout the week.I didnt know what to expect from the prayer session, in fact i was apprehensive and disappointed by the way things had turned out. i truly am.
Graham prayed with and for me, and asked God to give him the wisdom to speak into my life. And i believe God did.
with all i rememeber, and my very best in re-iterating:
"You have set your foot into areas where God was so real and good,prayer, worship. You have seen and tasted and know its goodness, but only for a little while, you step out and move into something else. You are like a child in a sea, seeking for God, but sometimes you stray and move into something else which u want to explore though you know it isnt the correct path. But its okay, because God allowed it. But now is the time, when God wants to pour out His fullness into your life. He wants to bring you into a place where You will be abe to experience Him to the fullest, and You will run after Him... i believe, its the Holy Spirit God wants to give."
It is true.
I had been running toward God, seeking for somethng deeper in my relationship with Him. I have had glimpses of my future serving Him, especially missions. But somehow, i chose to be distracted by other things, ive strayed from my first love. and it hurt me, because they was always this sadness in my heart i couldnt quite explain. But God is so forgiving, He allowed the wall in my heart to be broken down, he led me to the place of utter brokenness before Him, so i can find release. and gain even so much more than what i had expected.
in less than 5min, i found myself praying to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.
this was the 3rd invitation i had received by 3 random, non related people in 2 days. yes, it is scary. i was afraid because it seem all so daunting. speaking in tongues? water, wind, fire? all words that were associated with it were so strong, too strong for my gentle spirit, so i thought. But this was what i wanted. i knew it. for how long, ive been wanted to be filled with that sort of power and confidence from on high, to be convicted with the depth of Jesus's love for me, not just knwoing the bible, not just knowing it all in my heart, but be so touched and empowered with that Love. i was really afriad, but i decided to give myself a chance, i guess it involved trusting God to magnify that little bit of desire in me, despite the immense fear.
and yes,it all happened.
i choose to believe the Holy Spirit worked in me in a gentle way. yes, my voice toward heaven was opened and i truly thank God for it. but more so, it was a change that took place deep in my soul. it's not just a feeling. its more than that. its a new kind of trust and rejuvenation.ive received this gift, because God is gracious. the evidence was there, i cant wait for so much more to be unleashed in the rest of the days.
"God will bring you to a place of teaching. You will teach and people will come to you. He will empower you to minister to them through His word, and you will minister to them and encourage them as you speak truth into their lives."- this is something which i do not see now, but i will hold on so dearly too. i know there are so many cell group leaders keeping me accountable. someday, when we look back, i hope to say that God is a faithful God who keeps His promises. oh, and the one word that kept appearing in my head was missions.
there is no turning back for me now, i have crossed over to the other side (Mark 4:35, another divine "coincidence" which i will share with you if u ask me). all i want to do now is run toward jesus, my first love. There is so much more He will show me! Im excited!
really, it was so difficult and painful to reach the decision of 1)letting go 2)choosing "no choice" as a choice
But i know this is what i should do, and it is something which i want to as well. God's will is so clear for us at this point in time. and im glad that we all have the maturity and obedience to accept it. im blessed to have graham and su come into our lives at this point in time, and 6 cell group couples praying over all of us, keeping us accountable. I dare say, this fellowship we share in glasgow is so authentic, and i believe it will touch people in a deeper way. He;s really so good.How can i not love a God like that? How can i not choose Him above all and run toward Him... its impossible.
"we do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you...."-2 chronicles 20:12b.
we do not know what the future holds, but we know God is with us, He is for us. Who can be against us? He will show all of us the best for us, and i know we will be special people serving Him mightily in the days to come. that thought itself makes me smile. It wouldn be easy, but neither will it be too difficult. His grace is sufficient for us!
so refreshing, so good. come like the rushing wind and fill us from within.
thank You God.
if you knew the full account of the story, you would agree its complexed and messy, you would also see the depth of the struggle all of us had to go through, but for now, bear with me and keep your judgements to yourself, as i try to paint you the brighter side of the story, because i want people to know, God is amazing.
Glasgow Chinese Christian Church invited Graham and Su and another Godly couple to conduct a series of workshops for us this weekend. i think they are from australia, yes they are. and they've been travelling lots to singapore, malaysia and the UK to serve the Lord. kinda missionaries i think. Graham has the gift of prophecy, and he prophecised to a couple of people at our retreat last year. having heard so much about him, i decided to make an appointment to see them too-yesterday evening. i realise, i was searching and seekin for something deeper, thats why i made this decision. i mean, prophecy can be quite daunting, no one would wanna get themselves in it "just for fun"?
yup, so many more events had took place before sunday afternoon, but my session with graham and friends was what marked the turning pount in my life, so id like to share it with you. i was so drained mentally and emotionally after friday and saturday, and the little things that happened throughout the week.I didnt know what to expect from the prayer session, in fact i was apprehensive and disappointed by the way things had turned out. i truly am.
Graham prayed with and for me, and asked God to give him the wisdom to speak into my life. And i believe God did.
with all i rememeber, and my very best in re-iterating:
"You have set your foot into areas where God was so real and good,prayer, worship. You have seen and tasted and know its goodness, but only for a little while, you step out and move into something else. You are like a child in a sea, seeking for God, but sometimes you stray and move into something else which u want to explore though you know it isnt the correct path. But its okay, because God allowed it. But now is the time, when God wants to pour out His fullness into your life. He wants to bring you into a place where You will be abe to experience Him to the fullest, and You will run after Him... i believe, its the Holy Spirit God wants to give."
It is true.
I had been running toward God, seeking for somethng deeper in my relationship with Him. I have had glimpses of my future serving Him, especially missions. But somehow, i chose to be distracted by other things, ive strayed from my first love. and it hurt me, because they was always this sadness in my heart i couldnt quite explain. But God is so forgiving, He allowed the wall in my heart to be broken down, he led me to the place of utter brokenness before Him, so i can find release. and gain even so much more than what i had expected.
in less than 5min, i found myself praying to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.
this was the 3rd invitation i had received by 3 random, non related people in 2 days. yes, it is scary. i was afraid because it seem all so daunting. speaking in tongues? water, wind, fire? all words that were associated with it were so strong, too strong for my gentle spirit, so i thought. But this was what i wanted. i knew it. for how long, ive been wanted to be filled with that sort of power and confidence from on high, to be convicted with the depth of Jesus's love for me, not just knwoing the bible, not just knowing it all in my heart, but be so touched and empowered with that Love. i was really afriad, but i decided to give myself a chance, i guess it involved trusting God to magnify that little bit of desire in me, despite the immense fear.
and yes,it all happened.
i choose to believe the Holy Spirit worked in me in a gentle way. yes, my voice toward heaven was opened and i truly thank God for it. but more so, it was a change that took place deep in my soul. it's not just a feeling. its more than that. its a new kind of trust and rejuvenation.ive received this gift, because God is gracious. the evidence was there, i cant wait for so much more to be unleashed in the rest of the days.
"God will bring you to a place of teaching. You will teach and people will come to you. He will empower you to minister to them through His word, and you will minister to them and encourage them as you speak truth into their lives."- this is something which i do not see now, but i will hold on so dearly too. i know there are so many cell group leaders keeping me accountable. someday, when we look back, i hope to say that God is a faithful God who keeps His promises. oh, and the one word that kept appearing in my head was missions.
there is no turning back for me now, i have crossed over to the other side (Mark 4:35, another divine "coincidence" which i will share with you if u ask me). all i want to do now is run toward jesus, my first love. There is so much more He will show me! Im excited!
really, it was so difficult and painful to reach the decision of 1)letting go 2)choosing "no choice" as a choice
But i know this is what i should do, and it is something which i want to as well. God's will is so clear for us at this point in time. and im glad that we all have the maturity and obedience to accept it. im blessed to have graham and su come into our lives at this point in time, and 6 cell group couples praying over all of us, keeping us accountable. I dare say, this fellowship we share in glasgow is so authentic, and i believe it will touch people in a deeper way. He;s really so good.How can i not love a God like that? How can i not choose Him above all and run toward Him... its impossible.
"we do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you...."-2 chronicles 20:12b.
we do not know what the future holds, but we know God is with us, He is for us. Who can be against us? He will show all of us the best for us, and i know we will be special people serving Him mightily in the days to come. that thought itself makes me smile. It wouldn be easy, but neither will it be too difficult. His grace is sufficient for us!
so refreshing, so good. come like the rushing wind and fill us from within.
thank You God.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Friday, November 25, 2005
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