The repentence

This part of my life is called: being walled in. to the desert. wanting to be romanced by Him. and Him alone.

it all began on the 21st of January 2007.

On that faithful day, like the prophecy in Hosea, this happened.

(3)"I will make her like a desert
turn her into a parched land,
and slay her with thirst."

(6)"Therefore i will block her path with thornbushes
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
She will chase after lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them
Then she will say,
"I will go back to my husband as it is at first
for then I was better off than now."

(14)"therefore I am going to allure here'
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope."

(16)"In that day, declares the Lord,
"you will call me 'my husband', you will no longer call me
'my master.'"

(19)"I will bethroth you to me forever
I will bethroth you in righteousness and justice
in love and compassion
I will betroth you in faithfulness
and you will acknowledge the Lord."

this may seem like a really abstract concept to some.
in as best simple words can mean,
i believe that God, has really took me out of "lala land" suddenly, and place me in a dry and lonley desert place. and i believe, that as time unfolds, He will allure me, romance me, so passionately, so fiercely, that I, will no longer just know Him as my Father, my saviour, my King, my Lord, but "my husband", my lover". and if you, at this point are starting to think im "sick" or smth, then perhaps its time to stop thinking that romance, is simply about flowers, the opposite sex, yeah and sex, chocolates, EMO-ing, movies etc. Romance, is deep. its not a girl thing, fell0w brothers, its a human thing.

"Romance is the deepest thing in life.

It is deeper than reality."

- G.K. Chesterton

I believe, as a christian, Ive got a long way to go.

it is true, that I have given my heart-the most precious part of a woman, to many things. i have loved God. But is it enough? is it a single-hearted devotion? or have i been adulterous and unfaithful?

thus, the desert.

its a painful thing to have to go through. honestly, ive been struggling to accept the realities. Im a really stubborn kid, if u know me. yet, such a girl.. I even told God, "fine! if you want me to yourself, then i want you to myself as well! i dun care, i want to be jealous too. i want all the attention from you to myself.." haha i know, i know, its silly, and i dun mean it in a disrespectful way. but u get what i mean.

But i believe in hope. I believe that when ive survived that desert, whenever i do, i would, experience the greatest love of all. and i would, find life, in learning to love my God. not just a mere feeling, but a fierce, holy, passionate love.

so im holding on. i know its worth it.

day 1: God has an incredible sense of humour, its valentine's day. haha. some sunshine, some love from the cell. so far, its not too bad. i even got roses- its a sign of God's love for me through people. im thankful.

im a human-im scared "shit" sometimes (as ambika calls it), i feel so lonely ( a lie i need to resist), i feel so disappointed and unloved (the worst lie people should never believe), a myraid of emos. so i need the support, i confess. i need the prayers, we need your prayers- it changes lives, it does. i need the word- need to help myself on that. take it one step at a time- (good advice)

i need rest.

Thank You.