I will Sing

Having not receive consent from mum and dad for a long term mission trip this summer, and also from the Grandmaster above, I took on a relief teaching contract for the next 2 months.
A teacher at BDS is on maternity leave. I thought i hated teaching, detested the idea for a long time even before i was approached. I dont know what happened, i jsut said "yes" at that moment. Maybe it was compassion, maybe it was the inability to say "no", definately was meant to be.

I started work today. It was peaceful, depsite the workload- having to prepare lessons and the commitment to sacrifice every morning. I am at peace, and am thankful for that. A friend reminded me days ago that It could be the "mission field" God has called me to for this season. since then ive been remembering to "work as if working for the Lord", hence the peace. i wanted to work with younger children, but i guess they are still kids- sorta, just 15 years old.

it's been a short, but difficult year.
its now, that ive found some courage to speak about it.
it was tough, almost stiffling, always struggling. sometimes, when looking back, i find myself tempted to let the regrets and the unanswered questions and the bad memories overwhelm me. But i realised, that its too silly to slip into states of self pity and pinning. i lose myself, and only myself to lost.
it results, in fact it is, sin.
undermining the sovereignity of God's will and doubting His goodness.

dying to one's desires, to oneself- is the greatest challenge before those who call Him Father,
its true tt trials and tests build one's character, they say " you'll become stronger at the end.."- the exact i didnt want to hear when i was going through the valley. Now that the mist before me has cleared a little, i still do not agree that its the best comfort line to be used, but i realise that the strength we gain from trials is not tt to further boost our ego, nor to add to our sense of self-worth; neither should it be.
that strength is the tenacity to walk forward in the christian faith- the path we can only chose for ourselves. having known and tasted the pains, yet still choose.
It reveals the person who we really are- imperfect and ugly, rebellious and proud, a person, a child, in need of a saviour.

ideals- how often do they come into realisation?
circumstances change like the tides,
ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
many things crumble with the wind
nothing is ever as real as we think they can be- except spiritual real-ness
trust- can i even trust myself?
we are only truly free, in His will.

im not bitter, because our Lord Jesus was not, yet He hoped in the Father who has the power to change people and circumstances.
Im still learning much about the life we are called to lead, the person i was meant to be. still learning to obedience the hard way.

faith- its not the experience, the "high", the moment we seek, but the Person, our source. its the living everyday by the rules of submission, and everyday choosing, living out that vow of commitment. circumstances, victories, glories and bonds fade, but only the one true God remains.

for this season: singlehood, submission, servanthood, rest.
may it be for all seasons: the everlasting debt to love